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God is banging His Wife in Heaven again. Scientists know this because whenever God has sex with His Wife a bunch of weird horseshit starts happening here on Earth. With both of them losing their faculties and cumming and nutting all over each other, there is no one left in the universe to make sure the rules of reality are totally followed. Nothing too dangerous ever happens, just some weird things that are really not too important. For instance, this time some third-world savages found a rabbit-horsefly hybrid, which was humping a rock. The tribesmen quickly killed the aberration and are demanding gold and sweet-assed and big-titted women from all of the countries of the world for saving us from the Great Dragon of Death. The president has promised to "nuke them because they probably smell like shit anyways."

Downtown Manhattan was thrown into turmoil again today when a hot dog stand instantaneously combusted. Boiling hot dog water scalded 18 babies that were in the vicinity of the explosion, leaving them horribly scarred and barely alive. The ruined babies, once very cute and lovable, are now hideous and unlovable, little pieces of ugly shit that nobody wants. They will be sold into Chinese sweatshops so the rest of us won't have to endure the sight of their boiled faces while going to work in the morning. Jambie, the unusually powerful squirrel, was spotted sniffing around the wreckage of the hot dog stand, seemingly looking for clues. This has led experts to believe that the attack was supernatural in nature. This theory is supported by the fact that no explosive materials were found in the debris.

The distinctive chime of the Horizontal Men’s engorged penises has faded into the distance. It seems the town has survived another encounter with this bizarre plague. Curiously, however, the departure of the Horizontal Men coincided with the arrival of one Dr. Tishnu, who claims to be a prophet of God. Already he has acquired a number of followers who have agreed to live according to his tenets, which consist of relinquishing all of one’s money and worldly possessions, wearing a pointy green hat, and helping Dr. Tishnu tend his herd of misshapen goats. In reward, Dr. Tishnu has promised to teach his followers the secret to immortality via the separation of the soul from the body. After this procedure is complete, he avows, his followers will occupy Paradise as genderless immaterial spirits, each of whom will be gifted a harem of 66 prepubescent “half-wits” (33 male and 33 female), an insatiable craving for both penis and vagina, and the eternal joy of continuously satisfying this lust to the utmost extent.

The Old Wizard from Town held his press conference over the weekend. He appeared to the crowd in a puff of smoke and announced that he had AIDS. He went on to say that he is not sure how he contracted the disease since he is neither gay nor black. The crowd erupted with anger, accusing the wizard of being racist and homophobic. The Old Wizard from Town started crying and apologizing but it was too late. The furious attendees descended upon the wizard, meaning to murder him, but before they could reach him there was a bright flash of light and he was gone. Rumors are circulating on the Internet that the Old Wizard from Town is either gay or a magically disguised black man.

The Old Wizard from Town has scheduled a press conference to take place this weekend at the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese. This is the site of his famous Wizard's Duel with the Wizard Daragon Farmouth. The subject of the press conference has not yet been revealed, but sources speculate that the Old Wizard from Town will officially take on the responsibility of dispatching Napoleon, the Misanthropic Rat and save humanity from the vermin's hateful vengeance. The wizard's last press conference went poorly when the wizard tried to lecture the world on the dangers of global warming and melting polar ice caps. Nobody gave a fuck about that shit and the audience only wanted to see him make a naked woman appear so they threw rocks at him and threatened to rape him until he summoned some dead strippers from the nether realms to entertain them. We will update you on the upcoming press conference after the weekend.

The mountain of garbage and feces that arose in the middle of the ocean in April has begun to burn. Noxious fumes from the inferno have spread across the world, making the Earth's atmosphere smell like shit and fetid rubbish. Fortunately, in many shithole countries the inhabitants are unable to detect any difference. The explorers and treasure hunters that were visiting the mountain are all presumed dead, probably burnt to a crisp and hilarious-looking, their leathery charred faces stuck in comical expressions of pain and horror. When the conflagration abates, photographers will be dispatched to the mountain to take pictures of the dead imbeciles so that the whole world can laugh at them for dying waist-deep in flaming human dung.

Napoleon, the misanthropic rat, has been spotted in town. It is believed that the rodent was in the process of casting a spell to blow up a preschool at the time. What a sick bastard. The parents who identified him did not take our advice and tried to confront Napoleon; they were quickly defeated and killed by the rat. Using his magic powers, Napoleon turned the do-gooders into inch-tall men made of cheese, and promptly ate them. They whined like babies as they died and totally looked like pussies and embarrassed themselves, dying undignified deaths. They will always be remembered as weak, stupid pussies. What did they think was going to happen? Napoleon, after devouring the inch-tall men made of cheese, teleported to an unknown location to take a nap after his meal.

The unusually powerful squirrel that saved Manhattan from a murderous skeleton several weeks ago has been found. The squirrel, named affectionately by New Yorkers as Jambie, was given the key to the city by Mayor Abdul. Jambie enjoyed a fine selection of local tree nuts at the ceremony as his fans took selfies with him. Jambie conjured a portal and jumped through it when he had enough of the nuts and fanfare. Critics of Abdul have turned on Jambie, claiming the squirrel savior is a communist.

A literal mountain of garbage and human excrement has risen from the ocean. It is roughly the size of Mount Kilimanjaro and casts a shadow that chills to the bone. Explorers and climbers have found all sorts of trash within the foul heap, including soiled diapers, heroin needles, and a rare Star Wars: Episode I-edition Pepsi can from 1999. Some have speculated that the mountain is an omen from God, warning humanity of dire consequences for its excesses. Others believe that a wondrous treasure is hidden within. When asked for comment, God's Wife said, "Hell if I know," and went back to admiring the bronzed calves on one of the many young pool boys in her retinue.

God's Wife was spotted at the Gap today. She was looking to pick up some new thongs and tried them on right in the middle of the clothing section. Since She didn't bother to go to the changing room, a bunch of common assholes gathered around Her, gawking at Her sweet ass and giant hard tits. God smote six of the Peeping Toms, defending His territory. God's jealousy made God's Wife horny and wet. She quickly left the store, without paying, to reward God for His chivalry and defense of Her honor.

A rat that was caught by a glue trap has declared war on humankind. The rat, now named Napoleon, was caught in a glue trap on Wednesday evening. As Napoleon suffered in the trap overnight, hate grew in the rodent's heart. The hate grew so strong that the Lord of the Underworld was conjured into the home of Jerome and Laqueefa Stalard. The Stalards were on vacation in Mexico at the time, getting rip-roaring drunk and high. The couple's security footage shows Satan making a deal with Napoleon. In exchange for Napoleon's soul, the rat was given magical powers and heightened intelligence for use in its unholy quest to destroy humankind. If you see Napoleon DO NOT attempt to confront him yourself. Immediately call the authorities and hide in the nearest tree or public toilet, but be aware that you will probably die a horrible agonizing death regardless, with your insides falling out of your asshole. Napoleon is a nasty son of a bitch.

A living skeleton materialized in downtown Manhattan this morning. The busy streets were filled with horrified cries as the monster picked up a garbage can filled with heroin needles and tampons, striking the citizens of New York City. The skeleton killed 60 people and injured hundreds more before it was defeated by an unusually powerful squirrel. It tried to rape several schoolchildren on a field trip at the American Museum of Natural History, but fortunately it was cockless.

Insurance salesman and collector of antique porcelain turtles, Noris Pablewakie, shit himself at work today. Pablewakie consumed eight pounds of boiled cabbage the day prior, resulting in a particularly odorous defecation. Roaming the office hallways, asking his staff how their weekend was and commenting on his interns' miniskirts, Pablewakie blasted a shit in his pants in front of the whole office. Instantly those in the immediate vicinity of Pablewakie started to convulse and worms came out of their eyes. Some speculate that Pablewakie committed this act purposely in an attempt to be excused from his ten o'clock meeting.

There has been no explosion at the potato chip factory. The wizard is still old, but he has given up on prophesying. On most afternoons he may be found drinking mojitos at the Holiday Inn on Blackwood Avenue. “The mystic art is a fickle mistress,” he says.

A hole has appeared in the center of town. An old wizard crawled out of it. He warns anyone who will listen about the impending explosion at the potato chip factory.

“Hope may spring eternal,” he says, “but only out of an inexhaustible capacity for self-delusion.”

The Horizontal Men are back. The last plague was ten years ago, so perhaps you are not familiar. These abominations levitate several inches from the ground, in a perfectly rigid, prone position. They move horizontally along the plane of the earth via acts of pure volition, unaided by any mechanical processes. Their swollen forms clog the streets; at times, their erections gently touch the ground, producing a disturbing chiming sound.