GOAT MILK PRESS

The President has cut funding to all scientific endeavors and space exploration. There were many who opposed the move, mostly dorks and nerds, protesting outside the White House on Tuesday. The nerds, mostly virgins lacking any muscle mass, showed up with all sorts of signs that nobody could understand because they were written in nerd language. The President sent the Army to buttfuck and otherwise subjugate the crowd, claiming that they were all terrorists and communists. The nerds were beaten within an inch of their lives and teabagged. When asked why the funding was cut, the President replied that “science is stupid and space is full of gay bullshit."

Stanley Ballstein, owner of the Holiday Inn on Blackwood Avenue, was arrested today on charges of voyeurism and possession of child pornography. According to Chief Pat Brownhole of the town Police Department, a housekeeper entered Ballstein’s office unannounced and discovered him masturbating to a camera feed on his computer monitor, which provided a close-up view of a large turd exiting a teenaged girl’s asshole. Police were called to the scene, where they found tiny hidden cameras installed inside all of the guest room toilet bowls. Ballstein’s hard drives were searched, revealing thousands of video recordings of hotel guests—mostly underage girls—pissing and shitting. Upon hearing news of Ballstein’s arrest, the president immediately promised to pardon him for all past and future crimes and appointed him Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Jambie the unusually powerful squirrel has once again come to the aid of our fair city. Noticing the number of homeless dying from the extended heat wave, our hero magically conjured temporary shelters for the numberless bums and winos who walk our streets. The shelters, which appear magically using the energy of the extreme heat, are air-conditioned and have plenty of water in them. The homeless have been making use of the shelters when they manifest and their death rate has gone down dramatically. The only downside is that when the city’s temperature drops at night, the shelters disappear, and the dirty bums within are exposed having orgies and buttfucking each other. Nasty winos. But at least now we can all walk to work in the morning without navigating around and hurdling over the nameless, reeking dead. No one in the city thought of helping the poor and disenfranchised and instead were only concerned with getting rid of their disgusting, disease-ridden corpses, proving once again that Jambie is truly the best of us, a saint.

As the city suffers from the extended heat wave that has descended upon it, many homeless are expiring due to the harsh temperatures and lack of water. Mayor Abdul tasked the city’s sanitation division with disposing of the bodies. The garbage men went on strike, complaining that the homeless people’s bodies were too heavy to lift into their garbage trucks. They also said that, because of the heat, most of the bodies were half-decomposed and stank of rot and decay. Three of the sanitation workers have been stuck by needles hidden in the filthy clothing of the homeless dead. They have all contracted AIDS and herpes and are expected to die soon.

Homeless deaths have been increasing inside the city limits. Nobody cares that much but Napoleon the misanthropic rat was seen teleporting the homeless corpses back to Mount Kaszynski, apparently to add them to his undead army. Luckily, Jambie the unusually powerful squirrel sensed Napoleon in the area and confronted the rat as he was about to teleport another body. Upon spotting Napoleon, Jambie became enraged and attacked the rat. Napoleon was able to dodge the attack but was evidently not prepared to fight. He quickly shot Jambie the bird and teleported back to Mount Kaszynski, succeeding in taking the body with him. Nobody is sure how many of the expired vagrants Napoleon was able to collect before Jambie caught wind of him. Jambie has kept himself busy since, expelling a ring of urine around the city from his divine squirrel cock. Experts are unsure if this is part of some ancient protection spell or if Jambie is simply marking his territory.

Dr. Tishnu, leader of the local cult known as the Fellowship of the Maimed Goat, has introduced a new teaching to his followers. In a recent sermon, he described a singular and transformative act of God. Years ago, he claimed, a divine hand descended to him while he was passed out drunk in his favorite armchair, his shirt covered in crumbs from an empty packet of Funyuns. This hand took away his penis and replaced it with a holy organ called the Variety Penis. This experience, Dr. Tishnu continued, inspired him to abandon his former life as an Amazon tech support agent at a call center in Bengaluru and take up the staff of the great herder of goats and men. Today, only the trusted elite of the Fellowship's inner circle may partake of the grand, multifarious mysteries of the Variety Penis. For this purpose, a tabernacle has been erected in the center of the goatherders' field—a large tent made of foul-smelling fabric woven from goat wool. GOAT MILK PRESS has received reports of bizarre noises coming from the tabernacle at all hours of the night.

A miracle baby was born this morning at Wellington Memorial Hospital. His name is Luke Dingus. He exited his mother’s womb with a fully grown mustache, a big toe made of ivory on his left foot, and a Shakespearean mastery of the English language. Immediately after drawing his first breath, Dingus began to make demands of the medical staff, including “a cask of strong beer” and “Asian hookers, as many as you can find.” The newborn’s mother, Filomena Dingus, reportedly beamed with pride before falling into a coma from which doctors say she will most likely never awaken.

A massive EMP hit the city last night. Oddly, the electromagnetic pulse only affected traffic lights. The city was thrown into chaos as hundreds of traffic accidents occurred within minutes. Dozens of citizens died or have become paralyzed as a consequence of the EMP. Three school buses full of children crashed into each other and ignited in purple fire. Horrified pedestrians watched the children, now trapped inside the buses, burn alive in front of them, screaming for their mommies. The police, as usual, were ineffective as most of them were drunk and/or having sex with prostitutes at the time. Luckily, Jambie, the unusually powerful squirrel, came to the city’s aid. The squirrel magically conjured hundreds of instances of himself, which instantly appeared all over the city. The magical Jambie clones cleared the streets of destroyed vehicles and dead bodies while directing traffic. They also got the wounded to safety and kept them alive until paramedics were able to get to them and tend to their injuries. The original Jambie sat atop the highest tree in the city, meditating on and controlling his clones. The concentration and mind power involved in this feat must have been of godly proportions. The city is now celebrating Jambie as a great hero and possibly a savior.

Napoleon, hater of all mankind, has been sighted scaling the slopes of Mount Kaszynski. He was captured on camera by a drone dispatched by the president to investigate current conditions at the flaming heap of shit and garbage. The rat, seemingly unaffected by the raging purple inferno engulfing the mountain, has evidently chosen Mount Kaszynski as his base. He has reportedly been practicing dark magics and necromancy in his seclusion. Nameless sources inside the White House have been quoted, asserting that Napoleon has reanimated the burnt skeletons of the jackasses that were pilfering the mountain when it suddenly ignited. When first raised from the dead, the skeletons could barely walk and looked like drunk frat boys, crawling around the garbage heap, looking for half-finished beers or some weird penis-shaped object to shove up their asses. The frat boy is the weirdest kind of homosexual there is. After a few days, Napoleon managed to improve his necromancy enough to order his skeletal minions to sit in a circle and play duck, duck, goose. GOAT MILK PRESS believes that the rat learned this game while surveilling the preschool he meant to destroy. When Napoleon spotted the drone recording his climb at Mount Kaszynski, he quickly teleported to the mountain’s summit and proceeded to masturbate, staring disturbingly into the camera. After a few minutes, he stuck one of his hairy fingers up his ass and yelled out, “Giant hard tits!" Scientists believe this acted as a catalyst for the rat’s orgasm. At that moment, Napoleon climaxed and his ejaculate left his tiny rat cock at lightning speed, honing in on and destroying the drone which peered at him in his fiery sanctuary. Subsequent attempts at sending drones to Mount Kaszynski have failed as the mountain now appears to be protected by an EMP field that disables them, leaving them to fall helplessly into the sea.

The mountain of feces and garbage in the middle of the ocean, now known as Mount Kaszynski, continues to burn. A bunch of nerds, less commonly known as scientists, have noticed that the matter composing the mountain is not abating. Apparently, instead of watching porn like a normal person, scientists and nerds watch what they call “satellite imagery.” From the “satellite imagery” the nerds can see that Mount Kaszynski continues to burn but does not change in size. This clearly defies the Law of Conservation of Mass, the nerds told GOAT MILK PRESS. The fire has also changed in color and now emits purple flames. Though very pretty, it still stinks like shit. When asked how to extinguish the foul flames, the nerds replied, “How the fuck should we know?” once again proving that nerds are useless and should all be killed. The leaders of the United Nations have unanimously agreed that the fire has to be put out as soon as possible since the inhabitants of the majority-white countries are starting to complain about the horrible stench.

It is with great sorrow that GOAT MILK PRESS writes to inform the public of the death of Timmy Carter, the three-year-old boy who was unintentionally clubbed down in a skirmish that took place several days ago between members of the Fellowship of the Maimed Goat and detractors of the cult. Despite the best efforts of the excellent doctors at Wellington Memorial Hospital, little Timmy died of extreme brain hemorrhaging early this morning. Timmy’s father, Randall Carter, was taking a piss in the hospital restroom when his son passed away. He exited the restroom swiftly and carelessly, bumping into a young female nurse who was hurrying down the corridor. The nurse’s breath smelled of tree bark and tobacco smoke, which caused Carter’s penis to stiffen. A loud fart of grief escaped his anus as he thought for the millionth time that he would never be loved, not in the way of true lovers: desperately and passionately.

Since his sudden appearance, the self-proclaimed prophet Dr. Tishnu has already drawn a large number of followers. The group, now named the Fellowship of the Maimed Goat, has become a full-blown cult as eager residents flock to the field at the edge of town where Dr. Tishnu keeps his goat herd, enticed by promises of eternal life with a multitude of retarded adolescent sex slaves. Other residents remain skeptical, and some even speculate that Dr. Tishnu is in fact a perfidious Horizontal Man who decided to stay behind in order to prey upon the town, disguising himself as a normal, upright, gravity-obeying human. This difference of opinion has led to rising tensions among the townsfolk as members of the Fellowship appear in ever-greater numbers in public spaces, readily identifiable by their pointy hats and stench of goat. In one instance, an argument in the parking lot of the Chili’s Grill & Bar next to the Holiday Inn on Blackwood Avenue resulted in a large-scale battle with knives and clubs. In the fray, three-year-old Timmy Carter, who was visiting the Chili’s restaurant with his parents and elder sister, was accidentally struck in the head with a wooden cane, and is currently in critical status at Wellington Memorial Hospital.

It seems the Old Wizard from Town, still in hiding after drawing public ire with racist and homophobic remarks at his latest press conference, is experiencing AIDS-induced fever nightmares. In a hand-written letter to GOAT MILK PRESS, penned in ink rendered from the carapace of an extremely rare desert beetle, he delivered the following message: "I have seen Satan, the ANGEL OF DARKNESS. It wore a robe stitched from hundreds of severed human eyelids. Satan told me that my grandmother was defiled by one of her uncles when she was twelve years of age, and carried an immense, inexpressible shame into the unforgiving oblivion that follows death. The eyelid robe sounded in my head and never ceased. I hear it still."

God is banging His Wife in Heaven again. Scientists know this because whenever God has sex with His Wife a bunch of weird horseshit starts happening here on Earth. With both of them losing their faculties and cumming and nutting all over each other, there is no one left in the universe to make sure the rules of reality are totally followed. Nothing too dangerous ever happens, just some weird things that are really not too important. For instance, this time some third-world savages found a rabbit-horsefly hybrid, which was humping a rock. The tribesmen quickly killed the aberration and are demanding gold and sweet-assed and big-titted women from all of the countries of the world for saving us from the Great Dragon of Death. The president has promised to "nuke them because they probably smell like shit anyways."

Downtown Manhattan was thrown into turmoil again today when a hot dog stand instantaneously combusted. Boiling hot dog water scalded 18 babies that were in the vicinity of the explosion, leaving them horribly scarred and barely alive. The ruined babies, once very cute and lovable, are now hideous and unlovable, little pieces of ugly shit that nobody wants. They will be sold into Chinese sweatshops so the rest of us won't have to endure the sight of their boiled faces while going to work in the morning. Jambie, the unusually powerful squirrel, was spotted sniffing around the wreckage of the hot dog stand, seemingly looking for clues. This has led experts to believe that the attack was supernatural in nature. This theory is supported by the fact that no explosive materials were found in the debris.

The distinctive chime of the Horizontal Men’s engorged penises has faded into the distance. It seems the town has survived another encounter with this bizarre plague. Curiously, however, the departure of the Horizontal Men coincided with the arrival of one Dr. Tishnu, who claims to be a prophet of God. Already he has acquired a number of followers who have agreed to live according to his tenets, which consist of relinquishing all of one’s money and worldly possessions, wearing a pointy green hat, and helping Dr. Tishnu tend his herd of misshapen goats. In reward, Dr. Tishnu has promised to teach his followers the secret to immortality via the separation of the soul from the body. After this procedure is complete, he avows, his followers will occupy Paradise as genderless immaterial spirits, each of whom will be gifted a harem of 66 prepubescent “half-wits” (33 male and 33 female), an insatiable craving for both penis and vagina, and the eternal joy of continuously satisfying this lust to the utmost extent.

The Old Wizard from Town held his press conference over the weekend. He appeared to the crowd in a puff of smoke and announced that he had AIDS. He went on to say that he is not sure how he contracted the disease since he is neither gay nor black. The crowd erupted with anger, accusing the wizard of being racist and homophobic. The Old Wizard from Town started crying and apologizing but it was too late. The furious attendees descended upon the wizard, meaning to murder him, but before they could reach him there was a bright flash of light and he was gone. Rumors are circulating on the Internet that the Old Wizard from Town is either gay or a magically disguised black man.

The Old Wizard from Town has scheduled a press conference to take place this weekend at the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese. This is the site of his famous Wizard's Duel with the Wizard Daragon Farmouth. The subject of the press conference has not yet been revealed, but sources speculate that the Old Wizard from Town will officially take on the responsibility of dispatching Napoleon, the Misanthropic Rat and save humanity from the vermin's hateful vengeance. The wizard's last press conference went poorly when the wizard tried to lecture the world on the dangers of global warming and melting polar ice caps. Nobody gave a fuck about that shit and the audience only wanted to see him make a naked woman appear so they threw rocks at him and threatened to rape him until he summoned some dead strippers from the nether realms to entertain them. We will update you on the upcoming press conference after the weekend.

The mountain of garbage and feces that arose in the middle of the ocean in April has begun to burn. Noxious fumes from the inferno have spread across the world, making the Earth's atmosphere smell like shit and fetid rubbish. Fortunately, in many shithole countries the inhabitants are unable to detect any difference. The explorers and treasure hunters that were visiting the mountain are all presumed dead, probably burnt to a crisp and hilarious-looking, their leathery charred faces stuck in comical expressions of pain and horror. When the conflagration abates, photographers will be dispatched to the mountain to take pictures of the dead imbeciles so that the whole world can laugh at them for dying waist-deep in flaming human dung.

Napoleon, the misanthropic rat, has been spotted in town. It is believed that the rodent was in the process of casting a spell to blow up a preschool at the time. What a sick bastard. The parents who identified him did not take our advice and tried to confront Napoleon; they were quickly defeated and killed by the rat. Using his magic powers, Napoleon turned the do-gooders into inch-tall men made of cheese, and promptly ate them. They whined like babies as they died and totally looked like pussies and embarrassed themselves, dying undignified deaths. They will always be remembered as weak, stupid pussies. What did they think was going to happen? Napoleon, after devouring the inch-tall men made of cheese, teleported to an unknown location to take a nap after his meal.

The unusually powerful squirrel that saved Manhattan from a murderous skeleton several weeks ago has been found. The squirrel, named affectionately by New Yorkers as Jambie, was given the key to the city by Mayor Abdul. Jambie enjoyed a fine selection of local tree nuts at the ceremony as his fans took selfies with him. Jambie conjured a portal and jumped through it when he had enough of the nuts and fanfare. Critics of Abdul have turned on Jambie, claiming the squirrel savior is a communist.

A literal mountain of garbage and human excrement has risen from the ocean. It is roughly the size of Mount Kilimanjaro and casts a shadow that chills to the bone. Explorers and climbers have found all sorts of trash within the foul heap, including soiled diapers, heroin needles, and a rare Star Wars: Episode I-edition Pepsi can from 1999. Some have speculated that the mountain is an omen from God, warning humanity of dire consequences for its excesses. Others believe that a wondrous treasure is hidden within. When asked for comment, God's Wife said, "Hell if I know," and went back to admiring the bronzed calves on one of the many young pool boys in her retinue.

God's Wife was spotted at the Gap today. She was looking to pick up some new thongs and tried them on right in the middle of the clothing section. Since She didn't bother to go to the changing room, a bunch of common assholes gathered around Her, gawking at Her sweet ass and giant hard tits. God smote six of the Peeping Toms, defending His territory. God's jealousy made God's Wife horny and wet. She quickly left the store, without paying, to reward God for His chivalry and defense of Her honor.

A rat that was caught by a glue trap has declared war on humankind. The rat, now named Napoleon, was caught in a glue trap on Wednesday evening. As Napoleon suffered in the trap overnight, hate grew in the rodent's heart. The hate grew so strong that the Lord of the Underworld was conjured into the home of Jerome and Laqueefa Stalard. The Stalards were on vacation in Mexico at the time, getting rip-roaring drunk and high. The couple's security footage shows Satan making a deal with Napoleon. In exchange for Napoleon's soul, the rat was given magical powers and heightened intelligence for use in its unholy quest to destroy humankind. If you see Napoleon DO NOT attempt to confront him yourself. Immediately call the authorities and hide in the nearest tree or public toilet, but be aware that you will probably die a horrible agonizing death regardless, with your insides falling out of your asshole. Napoleon is a nasty son of a bitch.

A living skeleton materialized in downtown Manhattan this morning. The busy streets were filled with horrified cries as the monster picked up a garbage can filled with heroin needles and tampons, striking the citizens of New York City. The skeleton killed 60 people and injured hundreds more before it was defeated by an unusually powerful squirrel. It tried to rape several schoolchildren on a field trip at the American Museum of Natural History, but fortunately it was cockless.

Insurance salesman and collector of antique porcelain turtles, Noris Pablewakie, shit himself at work today. Pablewakie consumed eight pounds of boiled cabbage the day prior, resulting in a particularly odorous defecation. Roaming the office hallways, asking his staff how their weekend was and commenting on his interns' miniskirts, Pablewakie blasted a shit in his pants in front of the whole office. Instantly those in the immediate vicinity of Pablewakie started to convulse and worms came out of their eyes. Some speculate that Pablewakie committed this act purposely in an attempt to be excused from his ten o'clock meeting.

There has been no explosion at the potato chip factory. The wizard is still old, but he has given up on prophesying. On most afternoons he may be found drinking mojitos at the Holiday Inn on Blackwood Avenue. “The mystic art is a fickle mistress,” he says.

A hole has appeared in the center of town. An old wizard crawled out of it. He warns anyone who will listen about the impending explosion at the potato chip factory.

“Hope may spring eternal,” he says, “but only out of an inexhaustible capacity for self-delusion.”

The Horizontal Men are back. The last plague was ten years ago, so perhaps you are not familiar. These abominations levitate several inches from the ground, in a perfectly rigid, prone position. They move horizontally along the plane of the earth via acts of pure volition, unaided by any mechanical processes. Their swollen forms clog the streets; at times, their erections gently touch the ground, producing a disturbing chiming sound.